I WANT TO MAKE LOVE, BUT I AM LAZY
Sometimes the desire for sex is parasitized by invading external elements. Logistics linked to the act, mental load, schedule, and when the time comes to find your partner intimately, laziness sets in. And the situation is not isolated.
HERE ARE A FEW EXPLANATIONS AS TO WHY IT HAPPENS
It is 11 pm, we go to bed. Lying in good company, our thoughts wander. We haven’t had sex for some time, we would be tempted by a late hug. Everyone is in bed, the weather is good, our breath smells of fresh mint: why not. Yes, but at the same time, here it is: we have a big day ahead of us tomorrow, we just changed our panties and brushed our hair. And then, the sheets are clean this morning, and the idea of getting up by contracting the perineum to the bathroom, to wash without messing around, does not delight us.
In less time than it takes to say “jack”, we come down from our little cloud. In the end, we are lazy. Like yesterday, and probably like next week.
Laziness. Here, the term refers to the sensation that manifests itself when we want to make love, but we also remember that it takes time and energy. Because yes, we want to, but what surrounds sex manages to stifle a very present desire, as certain as we are of the pleasure that would result.
To dissect the common phenomenon, and offer solutions to those who would like to break away from it, we interviewed an expert. And here are their testimonials.
LOGISTICS AND MENTAL BURDEN
“I see all the logistics that the sexual act will generate, and I’m lazy,” says Elsa, 32 years old. To undress then to get dressed, to go to the bathroom, to wash. The list goes on before even starting to imagine the foreplay. The young woman associates this state with a mind cluttered with too many things to manage: I can only relax when I know that everything is in order, that the house is clean, that no one is waiting for me, that I will have time afterward. It’s a kind of mental load that accumulates, and which means that I cannot put myself in a context of relaxation which, for me, is essential to lovemaking.
The mental load at the origin of the famous “laziness”? Looking that way, we discover that Elsa is not the only one to feel her excitement partially stifled by the organization of the home. An American study has also looked at its relationship with libido. The numbers speak for themselves. Egalitarian couples (who share the household chores ) make love 6.8 times a month on average, which is 0.5 times more than unfortunately “conventional” couples (when the woman does everything) and twice as much as couples “counter-conventional” (when the man does everything).
Elsa continues: “It sounds cliché but if I went home and everything was done, there were candles everywhere, it would put me in a more serene mood, my brain would be rested. It would take me more towards hugs than when I know that behind I have a ton of stuff to finish. ” Yet she assures him: “It’s not that I don’t want my boyfriend, it’s just that I see sex at that moment as yet another thing to do. It’s still something to do. ‘organized”. And therefore, to organize.
Tiphaine Besnard-Santini, a sex therapist, admits to being familiar with this feeling, but that her patients rarely evoke it. “It is as if it was not an audible ‘no’, a somewhat shameful reason to formulate, to tell the other that we will not make love because we are ‘lazy’, and not because we don’t want to. ” She also associates it with long relationships, in which “there is a form of acquired knowledge, the certainty that if it doesn’t happen in fifteen minutes, it will happen next week: it’s less urgent than the start.”
The specialist warns, however: “When laziness sets in, it is because envy does not exceed it. And therefore it is not strong enough.” She also believes that women’s libido is more vulnerable than men’s because they are more likely to be parasitized by injunctions, complexes, negative thoughts, and external factors. “More fragile, but no less strong,” she says.
Sometimes, adds the therapist, laziness also targets particular practices, more than sex in general. The penetration, for example.
Penetration in the crosshairs
He is asked: why do men seem less affected by this state? “It is a feeling more feminine than masculine because the standardized sexual intercourse is more engaging for women than for men”, supports the sexologist. “If there is penetration, it will take more energy from them, asking them to be more open to each other, especially because the lubrication is not instantaneous.” And this prospect, although often gratifying, also requires getting in condition, a state of mind that is not always easy to achieve.
Soraya, 31, does address this case. She tells us: “It is not so much the desire for my spouse as the desire to make me penetrate [which is missing]. He, very often, would like our relationship to lead to penetration. Me, not always. we try to agree, to use only the hands, the mouth. But there always comes the fateful moment when he says to me: are you sure? And my laziness is linked to that. ” She also guarantees: “I always want him and I need to have physical contact – like skin to skin for example. But I’m not looking for a sexual act classically. .”
Like Soraya, many heterosexual women lead their partners on the path of non-penetrative sex. For Doctor Philippe Brenot, psychiatrist, couple therapist, and creator of the Couple Observatory, it is a path that deserves to be known. “The practices which use the penetration can be an immense source of pleasure but one can also have a very fulfilling non-penetrative sexuality, made of caresses, reciprocal masturbation and kisses carried out to their full esthetics”, lists the expert with L ‘Express.
IDEAS TO GET OUT OF THE ROUTINE?
Change things up, only if it’s our choice.
Detaching yourself from the laziness is Elsa and Soraya’s wish. The first admits it: “When I let myself go and I forget the ‘logistics’ and the rest, I feel really good, I am more relaxed. There is a real better when I have sex. when you realize that something makes you feel good, but you skip it lazily, it’s still stupid, ”she laughs. The second poetizes: “if laziness reaches out to you and you embrace it, once, twice, ten times, it ends up taking up all the space, and driving away from the envy entirely.” For her part, the sexologist recommends “work” on this obstacle to her sexual fulfillment only if it is a personal desire, and not with the sole aim of “pleasing” the other, potentially out of fear. to lose it. “It is important not to force yourself”, insists the expert. Then advises: “To regain control of his desire, if laziness comes as a kind of weariness, routine because we have been sleeping with the person for a long time, it may be wise to test something new. New practices, new fantasies, or even a third person”
Identify what you really feel, communicate sincerely, discover new sensations, but also allow yourself special moments. A weekly evening, for example, where we take the time to be together. Have a serious discussion about household chores first, then use an ice cube to walk around your body (not necessarily in that order). What to find a balance that suits us, gently.