The time, the routine, the lack of activities together, the wear and tear of having children. There are many reasons why a couple may begin to feel that the spark is running out, however, behind that lack of ‘desire’. There are not always external reasons for being together. Looking within and accepting changes in the personalities of the partners helps to ‘re-fall in love’ over and over again.
María and Pablo are a married couple in their forties who take care of their two young children daily. They both work, disappear first thing in the morning and meet again in the late afternoon just in time to feed their little ones and take them to sleep. They have not communicated little for a long time, and when they turn off the light in the bedroom they have begun to feel strange to each other. Gone are those years when a single glance was enough to understand each other, or when there was no working day that prevented meeting or sending loving messages. What has happened to them?
The case of María and Pablo is a clear diagnosis of a couple whose rhythm of life has made them fall into sentimental laziness that generates extreme trust in the other and that the institution of the family itself is a protective wall against wear and tear. Nothing is further from reality. On the contrary, almost all couples live throughout their life between 2-4 moments of ‘disagreement’ in which the loss of ‘spark’ at the level of personal and even sexual chemistry takes its toll at all levels.
However, on many occasions, this sentimental ‘disengagement’ from the other is not given by external factors but rather internal ones. This is where self-criticism and acceptance of reality, along with the sincere desire to fix the situation can save us from bigger problems.
When Do I Know That I Have Lost The Spark In My Partner?
There are so-called ‘mirror’ situations in which we can see a problem reflected. Do not think about yourself, think that a friend sits next to you and tells you that she lives with her partner in one of these five situations. What would you think?
I don’t feel like talking to my partner. I avoid it. It bores me and they are always ‘all trouble’. I’ve accepted that raise, not because of the money, but because I don’t have to go home so soon. It has been a long time since we had privacy, nor did we look into each other’s eyes. I feel that anyone can interest me more than my partner.
The weekend comes and it overwhelms me. On Monday I am relieved.
I only worry about my children, I don’t see my husband and I don’t know when he will come. I leave your space, I don’t care. If you heard your friend/family member tell you this, you would be scary. Right? And is it not worth reflecting a little if it were your case?
Why Do We Lose The Spark?
It seems silly but it is not. The psychologist María del Carmen Camacho Gil helps us understand and apply a poorly assumed obviousness to the life of a couple. Each of the spouses has to be happy. If we lose individual happiness, it is impossible to achieve collective happiness.
You have to be good with yourself, calm down, get rid of feelings of guilt, be able to regain your emotional independence, and lose the fear of being alone with yourself. You have to want to be with him/her, but not need to be with him/her. You have to lose the fear of losing him/her.
In summary, before blaming routine, your partner, lack of time, think about one thing. Are you happy? What prevents you from being happy? If you could draw a reality for yourself, what would it be?
There are many people (more than we would like to accept) who not only do not try to avoid routine but encourage it. They fill their daily schedules with absurd activities so as not to be with their partners, blaming that frenzied activity that could be avoided. Think about it. Do you need to spend so much time away from home? Couldn’t you leave certain tasks for another time? Don’t blame stress or routine for something that you may be promoting yourself.
Habits Of Happy Couples
Let’s put it another way. What do people who enjoy a good love life usually do despite living in this demanding society? It is much easier than it may sound. They can be summarized into 5 habits:
They Communicate Heart To Heart.
Talking is not saying ‘Buy the bread’. Talking is saying good morning, saying ‘I love you’ when leaving the door, calling each other in the middle of the day to ask how the day is going, and having dinner without television or mobile phones. COMMUNICATION.
Kissing, caressing, pinching. Have you forgotten how pleasant it is? Do not let your partner think that he can no longer seduce you.
They Are Surprised.
Come on, get out of the routine! Do something that is not expected! Bring him breakfast in bed.
They Support Each Other.
When your partner has a bad day, listen to her, support her.
They Make Themselves Laugh.
Humor is the best act of love for the other. If you bring humor and smiles to his life you will win his heart forever.